Fears and Apprehensions…

Last week I discussed how we all have Great Expectations in our relationships. We expect certain things or qualities in the relationships that matter to us. We make assumptions about how it is going to be. I asked you to think through what you expect, or assume. (go back and read the 1^st post if you haven't yet).

Now, let's look at the next part of this: what we fear might happen. Maybe you wonder why I'm bringing this up…why do we need to think about being afraid in a loving relationship?

If you stop and think for a moment, most of us have become accustomed to disappointment. Based on our past, we know many things don't work out the way we'd like. Especially in relationships, we have been let down by others. Remember how that feels? Someone doesn't give you the attention you think you deserve? Something or someone else seems more important than you?

It hurts, doesn't it. It hurts when our needs go unmet. It hurts to not get the love we want. We tend to store up those hurts from the past and hang onto them…not intentionally, but they just lurk around, don't they? Somewhere in the background, those memories and hurts reside and condition us to fear other letdowns from people. Do you know what I'm talking about?

Another factor is the "track record" you already have with someone. If your partner disappointed you last month and you felt unloved, you may fear being let down again.

These fears are "anticipatory". We aren't sure anything bad will happen, but we think/fear that something bad might happen and that it will hurt…so, we do something to protect ourselves: we strike out pre-emptively ("hurt him before he hurts me"); or, we withdraw ("she can't hurt me if she can't get to me") or some combination of these behaviors.

Would you agree that these responses, although understandable, aren't very helpful in building healthy relationships? How about if we do it differently. Here are some things to remember:

1. You aren't alone. Even if you've been hurt in the past, even if you feel all alone…you aren't alone. God promises He is always with those who look to Him. "Do not fear, for I am with you" (see Joshua 1:5-9)
   
2. Your past doesn't need to dictate your future. You may be a product of your past experience, but you are more than that. You can overcome the past. Forgive it, let it go, and move ahead.
   
3. Your partner can change also. With God's help, both of you can leave past patterns of relating behind and begin to love one another, in kindness and respect.
   
4. Take the first step by talking about it. When we verbalize our fears, that is the first step to overcoming them. Talk out loud about them, to yourself, to a trusted friend, and to God.
   
5. Take the next step: choose to not allow your fears to overwhelm you today. What opportunities do you have today to overcome your past fears? How can you act in love instead?
   

I hope this helps you today. I'll be back soon with more. Visit us at www.azlifechangers.com.
Grace and Peace to you.

Great Expectations

Welcome! I am Dr. Tom Zimmerman and direct Life Changers Counseling and Coaching, a non-profit service based in Phoenix, Arizona. We help families, couples, and individual adults, kids and teens get life back on track. See more about us at www.azlifechangers.com. This Is my first Blog post. I plan to cover practical and personal issues, so if you have topics you'd like discussed, let me hear from you…

Every year, I am asked to conduct a few weddings. At the ceremony, when the couple is standing before me, I look into their eyes. They are excited, scared, maybe even a bit queasy. In a moment they'll repeat their vows after me and promise to be perfect partners, but deep inside there's something going on. They have GREAT EXPECTATIONS.

AT THE HEART of every relationship lie expectations. Just like in a business transaction, we expect to give something and receive something. These expectations are a combination of fears, hopes and dreams, and assumptions. They may be very realistic or totally unrealistic. They may be legitimate needs or goofy wishes, which our partners may or may not fulfill.

In the coming posts, I'll discuss each of these in detail, but for right now, let's think about what happens when we have wrong expectations.

Ok, let's start with simple expectations. Let's say your partner says he will be home in 30 minutes. You hear that and assume he'll be home in 30, or maybe 45, minutes (depending on his past track record). Based on the communication, you make plans accordingly. If he arrives on time, all is well…if he is late, you may be a bit disappointed and feel your expectations went unmet.

That one may not be that big of a deal, but let's say you have assumed your partner will always prioritize you. Then, one day it dawns on you that his daily workouts seem to be more important to him than his time with you. How do you feel? Hurt? Rejected? Angry?

Why do you feel those things? Because you have made an assumption: you expect to come first in his life, above sports, work, other people… This may be important to you because you are a little insecure about yourself. Maybe you were uncertain about your value growing up, so when you married you believed that you would finally have someone who treasured you above everything else. When you don't get that, you are hurt and angry.

Or, maybe you are a bit too needy and feel the need to control and monopolize your partner. When he pulls back from that, you feel rejected and you then have a tendency to control even more, or resign and get depressed, or …

Or, maybe your expectation is very legitimate and you just don't want to compete with other things or people. You know you are worthy of being loved and of being #1 in his life.

My point is that we should be aware of what we expect in life: what we expect from others, what we expect from ourselves, from life, and ultimately, what we expect from God.

Take out a piece of paper and start listing what your expectations are. When you know what it is you expect, you'll be in a better position to think objectively about yourself. Ask yourself why each expectation is so important. What do you believe will happen if you get that expectation fulfilled? What happens if it goes unfulfilled?

We'll pick up with this next time, until then, I wish you God's peace and love.