Welcome! I am Dr. Tom Zimmerman and direct Life Changers Counseling and Coaching, a non-profit service based in Phoenix, Arizona. We help families, couples, and individual adults, kids and teens get life back on track. See more about us at www.azlifechangers.com. This Is my first Blog post. I plan to cover practical and personal issues, so if you have topics you'd like discussed, let me hear from you…
Every year, I am asked to conduct a few weddings. At the ceremony, when the couple is standing before me, I look into their eyes. They are excited, scared, maybe even a bit queasy. In a moment they'll repeat their vows after me and promise to be perfect partners, but deep inside there's something going on. They have GREAT EXPECTATIONS.
AT THE HEART of every relationship lie expectations. Just like in a business transaction, we expect to give something and receive something. These expectations are a combination of fears, hopes and dreams, and assumptions. They may be very realistic or totally unrealistic. They may be legitimate needs or goofy wishes, which our partners may or may not fulfill.
In the coming posts, I'll discuss each of these in detail, but for right now, let's think about what happens when we have wrong expectations.
Ok, let's start with simple expectations. Let's say your partner says he will be home in 30 minutes. You hear that and assume he'll be home in 30, or maybe 45, minutes (depending on his past track record). Based on the communication, you make plans accordingly. If he arrives on time, all is well…if he is late, you may be a bit disappointed and feel your expectations went unmet.
That one may not be that big of a deal, but let's say you have assumed your partner will always prioritize you. Then, one day it dawns on you that his daily workouts seem to be more important to him than his time with you. How do you feel? Hurt? Rejected? Angry?
Why do you feel those things? Because you have made an assumption: you expect to come first in his life, above sports, work, other people… This may be important to you because you are a little insecure about yourself. Maybe you were uncertain about your value growing up, so when you married you believed that you would finally have someone who treasured you above everything else. When you don't get that, you are hurt and angry.
Or, maybe you are a bit too needy and feel the need to control and monopolize your partner. When he pulls back from that, you feel rejected and you then have a tendency to control even more, or resign and get depressed, or …
Or, maybe your expectation is very legitimate and you just don't want to compete with other things or people. You know you are worthy of being loved and of being #1 in his life.
My point is that we should be aware of what we expect in life: what we expect from others, what we expect from ourselves, from life, and ultimately, what we expect from God.
Take out a piece of paper and start listing what your expectations are. When you know what it is you expect, you'll be in a better position to think objectively about yourself. Ask yourself why each expectation is so important. What do you believe will happen if you get that expectation fulfilled? What happens if it goes unfulfilled?
We'll pick up with this next time, until then, I wish you God's peace and love.
