Last week I discussed how we all have Great Expectations in our relationships. We expect certain things or qualities in the relationships that matter to us. We make assumptions about how it is going to be. I asked you to think through what you expect, or assume. (go back and read the 1st post if you haven't yet).
Now, let's look at the next part of this: what we fear might happen. Maybe you wonder why I'm bringing this up…why do we need to think about being afraid in a loving relationship?
If you stop and think for a moment, most of us have become accustomed to disappointment. Based on our past, we know many things don't work out the way we'd like. Especially in relationships, we have been let down by others. Remember how that feels? Someone doesn't give you the attention you think you deserve? Something or someone else seems more important than you?
It hurts, doesn't it. It hurts when our needs go unmet. It hurts to not get the love we want. We tend to store up those hurts from the past and hang onto them…not intentionally, but they just lurk around, don't they? Somewhere in the background, those memories and hurts reside and condition us to fear other letdowns from people. Do you know what I'm talking about?
Another factor is the "track record" you already have with someone. If your partner disappointed you last month and you felt unloved, you may fear being let down again.
These fears are "anticipatory". We aren't sure anything bad will happen, but we think/fear that something bad might happen and that it will hurt…so, we do something to protect ourselves: we strike out pre-emptively ("hurt him before he hurts me"); or, we withdraw ("she can't hurt me if she can't get to me") or some combination of these behaviors.
Would you agree that these responses, although understandable, aren't very helpful in building healthy relationships? How about if we do it differently. Here are some things to remember:
- You aren't alone. Even if you've been hurt in the past, even if you feel all alone…you aren't alone. God promises He is always with those who look to Him. "Do not fear, for I am with you" (see Joshua 1:5-9)
- Your past doesn't need to dictate your future. You may be a product of your past experience, but you are more than that. You can overcome the past. Forgive it, let it go, and move ahead.
- Your partner can change also. With God's help, both of you can leave past patterns of relating behind and begin to love one another, in kindness and respect.
- Take the first step by talking about it. When we verbalize our fears, that is the first step to overcoming them. Talk out loud about them, to yourself, to a trusted friend, and to God.
- Take the next step: choose to not allow your fears to overwhelm you today. What opportunities do you have today to overcome your past fears? How can you act in love instead?
I hope this helps you today. I'll be back soon with more. Visit us at www.azlifechangers.com.
Grace and Peace to you.
